Lessons from Europe

When I imagined living in Spain during the months leading up to moving there, I always imagined seeing beautiful cities, spending time with my wonderful host family who adored me, being confused for a native Spanish speaker, eating paella all the time…and maybe being wooed by a tall Spaniard named Antonio. What I wasn’t banking on was the shock of living with strangers, the discomfort of being the kid again, and the awkwardness of being a foreigner. I was often unsure about what was and was not okay, I felt overwhelmed in a new school, and I constantly stumbled over my words while I got used to the Spanish accent and new vocabulary. When Spain no longer felt new but wasn't yet home, an intense loneliness began to creep in and dampen my mood. And there was still no sign of Antonio. 

However, I learned some amazing lessons during these months that made the hard times worth it. These lessons are without doubt the most treasured souvenirs of my trip. So here are two of them for now, just in case they are of any use.

1.     We will not be left comfortless 

Loneliness was the hardest part for me. The foreign customs, new home, and absence of Spanish suitors didn’t really worry me, but having an incredible, formative experience all by myself was not fun. I love new experiences and I love getting to know new people, but at the end of the day, I’m a small group kind of girl. I like having my tight-knit group and having adventures together. It brings me happiness and gives me confidence. I do a lot of things on my own too, and I’m happy to go do something by myself if no one else wants to go, but at the end of the day I want to come home to my people. I met new friends in Spain, of course, and I loved my host family, but I didn’t have anyone to really share my experience with, and that was bleak.

My escape from solitude was scripture study. I discovered early on that I had the perfect set-up for uninterrupted, thorough, mission-like scripture study, and that the moment I sat down to study I felt happier. Some days I wrote almost as much as I read. It was empowering, and it lifted me up. I asked Heavenly Father to continue to bless me with peace and happiness as I continued to study daily, and then I paid attention to how each day unfolded.

An incredible thing happened. Every single day my prayer was answered, without fail. Sometimes it was through an invitation to hang out with someone. Sometimes it was a great conversation or the discovery of a new party of the city. The answer was different every time, but it was there. I still had hard days. I still felt lonely many times. But I have never been more certain that I was not alone. Any time I prayed for peace I was given it. Any time I asked to meet someone new or have a beautiful experience, my prayer was answered. 

As I realized my prayers were being answered, I paid even closer attention, and I saw more blessings. Heavenly Father truly became my constant friend. I believe He is more involved in our lives than we may understand. His hand is in all things and He never leaves us alone, but we have to pay attention.

2.     Make as many friends as you can

I learned this lesson on a particularly lonely day through a particularly tender mercy. I was tired from working hard on school projects. I was emotionally drained from feeling isolated and confined to the library and home because of school demands. I needed a friend and a hug. That afternoon I went to Gloria’s, a friend of my host family, for her English lesson. I figured I looked run down because I felt run down and didn't have the energy to hide it, but I conversed with Gloria for an hour and a half and smiled as much as I could.

At the end of the lesson, Gloria looked at me closely and asked me if I was tired. I nodded... and the tears started welling up. If I’m not okay and someone comes in the remote vicinity of asking me if I’m okay, the tears will immediately start. The more I fight them, the more persistent they become, so I knew it was a lost battle. Gloria could tell too, and, with all the tenderness I could have asked for, she asked me what was wrong. It all came spilling out--in Spanish, surprisingly.

Gloria listened and then spent a good thirty minutes telling me how normal it was to feel lonely in a new country. (Isn’t that what we are all looking for? Someone to tell us we are normal in the way we are feeling and acting? I will love Gloria forever just for this one kindness.) She told me I was going to be okay and that I just needed to force my friendship on people and tag along to their events and not even care because they probably wanted a friend as much as I did and if they were rude then I didn’t want to be friends with them anyway. I just cried all the tears that had been welling up all day and she gave me tissues and water and as much encouragement as a person could want. When I left she gave me a hug and I thanked Heavenly Father for Gloria.

That very night I took her advice. I went to a poetry reading at a corner bookstore I'd come to love, and after a few minutes of trying to look distracted by the books I finally got brave enough to introduce myself to another girl who seemed to be there by herself. In fact, the moment I decided I would go up to her, she was somehow standing right in front of me and smiling, so I had no choice but to say hello and introduce myself. I learned that she is from Russia and she has been living and working in Spain for four years. Her Spanish is beautiful and she speaks some English but she lamented that she never gets to practice conversational English. We sat together during the poetry reading, chatted a bit afterwards, and I told her that if she wanted to practice her English with me we could, as you say in Spain, drink a cup. She eagerly accepted and we exchanged numbers. 

Over the next few days, I adamantly invited people to do things and invited myself to do things with them. One of the people I forced my friendship on was a girl I worked with. I asked her if she wanted to eat lunch together. She immediately accepted my invitation, showed me a lunchroom called The Cave, and at the end she said we should eat lunch together again. I had been afraid to ask her before because she seemed so cool and I figured she had lots of friends and that I would be imposing or bugging her. I’m so glad I asked because that lunch turned out to be an enriching experience. In fact, I had wonderful experiences pretty much every time I made the effort to become friends with someone.  

Gloria was right. When we are in need of a friend, we somehow think we’re the only one and that everyone else is good, but I suspect that most people want friends more than they let on. We all want to be wanted, but we can’t wait for other people to make the effort. We need to be the ones to start the conversations and invitations. If we start talking to people who would otherwise just pass through our lives anonymously, I think we will discover that there are a lot of really great, interesting people out there and we'll be glad we met them. 

On the beauty of the Word of Wisdom

When we talk about the Word of Wisdom, we often list the five things we are asked to avoid: coffee, tea, tobacco, alcohol, drugs. If we are reading the revelation in D&C 189, we typically skip down to the last four verses of the section and briefly discuss the promises we are given for following these principles.

I think that in our approach we too often focus on the negative aspect: we can’t have this or that. This is not always the attitude, of course, but I have seen this approach and have felt this way myself at times. I think that in oversimplifying this revelation and talking about it in the negative, we often miss how incredibly beautiful it is.

A Revelation from God

The first beautiful part that stands out to me is that the Lord himself is talking to us and giving us this revelation through Joseph Smith. How humbling to realize that these are the Lord’s own words and that this revelation is important enough that He would have Joseph write down his exact words for us. God did not ask Joseph to condense his words into a simple list of things we can’t have and consolation prizes if we obey. He provides careful explanation of some reasons for the revelation, what we should avoid, as well as good things we should put in our bodies, and ends with four beautiful verses that contain incredibly powerful blessings.

Note the way the revelation begins. The Lord himself calls this revelation a Word of Wisdom, declaring that it is for our benefit. He says in verse 2 that these principles are not meant to be a constraint but a revelation that shows what He wants for our temporal salvation. I often wish I were wiser. I hate realizing that what I’ve been doing is foolish and is hurting me or someone else. How humbling to be given advice from God on how to be wiser so I can save myself some regret later.

I am especially touched that this advice is given purely for my benefit and temporal salvation. Believing as I do that we lived with God before this life and that we fought for the opportunity to come to Earth and that part of our purpose in coming to Earth is to be given a body, I am thankful for the reminder that our bodies are important. Without our bodies we couldn’t be here; we couldn’t run or sing or travel or learn. How amazing it is to have a body and how important to treat it kindly so it can keep functioning as well as possible. Having a healthy body is key to the kind of life we can lead. My health is important enough to God that He has given me a reminder of how I should treat my body, so it should be important enough to me—who stood up for the chance to have one in the first place—to take care of it. What better way to take care of this gift from God than in the way God instructs?

A Reassurance and a Stepping Stone

In verse three, God gives us a reassurance: this principle is adapted even for the weakest of us. This tells us two things: (1) that we can all follow it; though it may not feel easy and we may not always want to, it is not too hard for any of us and (2) that this revelation is just a foundation. We could probably do more to really take care of ourselves than what’s listed here, but these principles are adapted to our abilities. 

First, how kind to give us a principle that we can all follow if we choose to. We are being set up for success. Second, rather than simply focusing on what we can’t have, it may be better to focus on what we should have. These five things are not the only substances that harm our bodies; we know that. So, we could treat this revelation as a list of 5 dont's that we grudgingly follow, or we could treat it as a great starting place for a lifestyle that keeps our bodies as healthy and strong as possible. It is a wonderful foundation for a positive approach to health.

Evils and Designs

In verse 4, the Lord tells us why He is giving this revelation: “In consequence of evils and designs which do and will exist in the hearts of conspiring men in the last days, I have warned you and forewarn you by giving unto you this word of wisdom by revelation.” When I read this verse a few weeks ago, it made me pause. In my tendency to oversimplify the Word of Wisdom, I had completely forgotten about this part of the revelation. 

We are not given more detail about what these evils and designs are, but it’s not hard to believe that they exist. Every year it seems we see more evil in the world and more conspiring, some of it extending to the people and companies in charge of the things we put in our bodies. God, who knows everything, is perfectly aware of what evils and designs do and will exist, and tells us here that following this word of wisdom will help us avoid some of that.

There are sometimes debates about whether certain parts of the word of wisdom are actually correct from a health standpoint. Avoiding tobacco and drugs is rarely debated, but abstaining from wine, for example, is. Many health professionals claim that a glass of red wine once in a while is good for your heart. Those who balk against the Word of Wisdom say that if it’s good for your heart, why should we be asked to abstain from it? Doesn’t God want us to be healthy? And besides, how much harm could one glass do?

Now, before I continue, I want to be clear that this entire article represents only my thoughts on the subject. It is not in any way an authoritative interpretation of this revelation. It is simply my observation and speculation. With that said, here’s what I think. Maybe one glass won’t do any harm, and maybe a glass of red wine really is good for your heart. That would not be surprising because red wine contains antioxidants, which we know are connected to heart health. However, there is obviously something more important at stake than antioxidants or God would not ask us to avoid wine. I believe that one of those things is the “evils and designs of conspiring men.”

One thing that stands out to me as something that could be considered an evil design is advertisements for alcohol. Almost invariably, whether through catchy music and phrases or images of drinkers looking tough or fantastically sexy, these advertisements make drinking look cool. They suggest that drinking will make you popular and fun and that we need to have alcohol to relax, socialize, or to get the girl or guy. 

Think about the young people who see those advertisements and believe them. Some of them try alcohol and are swept into a world of underage drinking; drinking and driving; and parties where the Spirit can’t be present because of loud, inappropriate music, and inappropriate behavior. They lose sight of who they are and what really makes someone a great person. They compromise their morals, their physical safety, and their future in a dozen ways. Some become addicted, some get in drunk accidents, some get pregnant, families are torn apart, and some people even die, all because liquor companies want to sell a lifestyle that helps them sell more drinks. That sounds pretty conspiring to me. 

Now, these things don’t happen to everyone, I know that. And I don’t believe that most alcohol companies intend for bad things to happen as a result of their advertisements or product. I think they simply don’t think about it enough. But God does, and even if these horrific consequences happened to only a few of his children, that’s enough to warrant a revelation warning us to stay completely away. “The worth of souls is great in the sight of God” (D&C 18:10). A loving God doesn’t want any of these things to happen to ANY of his children; it’s not worth it for even a little heart health benefit. So, out of love, He asks us to avoid alcohol altogether.

What about coffee? we may ask. Coffee certainly isn’t as harmful as alcohol. Maybe it is not as obviously destructive, but it does have harmful effects, one being its addictive nature. Some coffee drinkers only have coffee once in a while, when they go to a café with friends, for example. Others, however, can’t wake up without coffee or get through the afternoon without an espresso. They spend $5 a day at least on a Starbucks run just so they can function.

With coffee drinking, just like alcohol, comes a whole world that keeps coffee drinkers drinking coffee. The coffee world promotes a zen sort of lifestyle that is appealing, but coffee drinkers are not free. They are attached to a beverage that they have to spend money on and it becomes the only way they can operate during the day. The coffee world makes drinking coffee seem classy or cultured or smart, and little by little consumers HAVE to have coffee or they are shaking by noon. They lose money, time, and health because they are addicted. That’s not freedom, and God wants us to be free.

We Are Intelligent Beings

In verses 5–9 God tells us that strong drinks are not good for our bodies, that tobacco is not good for the body, and that hot drinks (tea and coffee) should be avoided. How freeing to not have to worry about the negative consequences of any of these substances if we just avoid them altogether. God doesn’t tell us everything we should and should not do to be healthy. “Such revelation is unnecessary,” President Joseph Fielding Smith said. “The Word of Wisdom is a basic law. It points the way and gives us ample instruction in regard to both food and drink. . . . If we sincerely follow what is written with the aid of the Spirit of the Lord, . . . we will know what is good and what is bad for the body” (Improvement Era, 1956).

How beautiful and humbling that God trusts us to take the guidance He’s given us and use it as a starting point for taking care of our bodies. He recognizes that we are intelligent beings and that, though we need some initial instruction, we don’t need to be told every single thing. With the guidance of the Spirit and our own intelligence, we can discern what we should and should not do in order to keep our bodies healthy.

The Beauty of Food

 

In verses 7–10 the Lord uses words like “wholesome” and “staff of life” and “fruit of the vine” that, to me, paint a picture of just how delicious healthy, natural food is. It makes me think of being on a farm or at a farmer’s market where the produce is a gorgeous display of color, texture, and shape. Do we ever stop to admire how delicious and how visually appealing healthy, natural food—real food, not things that come in boxes—is? I think it’s much more alluring than the “food” we come up with and sell in packages. I don’t think humans can ever create a food substance as beautiful as something that comes out of the ground. How wonderful that the food that we are supposed to put in our bodies is also the most beautiful and that, though we can cause food to grow and we can mess with the engineering of it, we didn’t design it, God did. To me, that somehow reflects how divine we really are as children of God and how connected to him we really are, even when it comes to the things we eat. Eating, I think, is more spiritual than we realize, and this is even more evident in the last four verses.

Incredible Promises

Finally, verses 18—21: the promises God gives us for following his word of wisdom. Verse 18 us a poetic reminder that this revelation is key to health. Our western society is always looking for miracle drugs, weight loss pills, and fancy treatments. But God has already given us the formula: healthy eating. Not only will we be healthier from the inside out, we will be wiser and will even find hidden treasures of knowledge as verse 19 states. To me, this is comforting. Today there are so many controversial topics that leave us feeling confused and unsure about what is right: same-sex attraction issues, gender issues, who should have the priesthood, etc. Who of us would not like more clarity in these areas, or even just how to get through a tough week or a tough year?

The Word of Wisdom tells us that treating our bodies well—putting good things in them instead of harmful ones—will help us with that. I think the connection between our bodies and our spirits is stronger and more intricate than we typically realize. How we treat our bodies affects our spirit and our spirit is what communicates with God. If our spirit is healthy, it will be more receptive to revelation and will be able to communicate with God better. And it is from God that we learn truth.

In verse 20 we are also promised that we will run and not be weary and walk and not faint. I believe that this is not just a physical promise. Though we know that treating our bodies well makes them stronger, I think this also refers to our mental, emotional, and spiritual abilities to bear what life throws at us. If we are physically healthy, we are more mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy and we can get through life’s craziness without “fainting” because God is our strength. We don’t rely on coffee or tea to wake us up or alcohol to help us relax and have a good time. We don’t look to smoking or drugs as a means of socialization or finding a group of friends. We look to God for help and strength and He can and will strengthen us more than any substance ever could.

I believe this is also reflected in the last verse, a very powerful one: “And I, the Lord, give unto them a promise, that the destroying angel shall pass by them, as the children of Israel, and not slay them.” When the destroying angel passed by the children of Israel, it meant that the first born of the house was not killed. But this was contingent on the Israelites’ faithfulness. They were not just escaping physical death, but spiritual death as well.

It is not just physical death that we are escaping by following the Word of Wisdom. We will all die someday. By following the Word of Wisdom, we are escaping spiritual death. Living these principles requires humility, faith, diligence, and courage—all godlike attributes. Living the Word of Wisdom makes us more godlike. It allows us to feel the Spirit, which gives us access to constant guidance, in any moment we need it. It puts us on the path to God and keeps us that much farther away from Satan’s influence. How beautiful a promise this is.

We sometimes see the Word of Wisdom as a small principle or even an annoyance. It is anything but that. I am touched by how kind God is to give us this counsel in order to help us be wiser, to avoid terrible or even just less-than-ideal situations, to be healthier physically, to be more spiritually in tune, and, because of all those things, to be happier, more at peace, and closer to him. When we really think about what the Lord is offering us, how could we be anything other than grateful?

On Being Single at 27

I always wanted to be married around age 24. I’m not sure why. It just seemed like a good age to me—not too young and not too old.

My parents were married at 27, so there’s never been any expectation or pressure to get married young, but somehow 27 seemed old to me. (Probably because parents always seem old when you’re a kid.)

I had this small fear of never being able to travel, finish school, be independent, etc. if I got married too young. So 24 seemed like a good compromise.

Well, obviously, that didn’t happen. Twenty-four came and went and, as Charlotte Lucas so aptly puts it, “I’m twenty-seven years old. I’ve no money and no prospects.”

Over the years, I’ve had my share of pity parties. Sometimes they are small gatherings. Other times they’re full-on block parties. But most days I am genuinely happy, and I don’t think much about my marital status.

Until, as inevitably happens every few months, someone—usually a well-meaning person who has been married for years and years—asks why I’m not married.

My fellow single friends have given me some excellent suggestions for a reply. One of my favorites was to take a deep breath like I’m going to say something incredibly insightful and revealing…and then turn around and walk away.

What I really want to say, though, is this:

First, there is an answer to that question: It’s not time yet. Why it’s not time is for God to know and me to find out as He wills it.   

Second, why does this question even need to be asked? I know it’s well meaning and is supposed to be a roundabout compliment, but asking it cheapens me as a person by implying that I’m not complete without a husband. And it diminishes this wonderful period of my life where I’m able to discover myself and further my education and work hard and play hard and gain faith and learn to trust—in other words, a very full, productive time.

Instead of speculating why I’m not married and saying flippant things like, “Isn’t that hard?” why not focus on what makes my life full and happy right now, just the way it is? Because I’ll gladly tell you what makes me happy:

·      Working in a job that I enjoy, using the skills I developed over 5 long years of school

·      Getting ready for graduate school in the fall

·      Teaching English to the cutest 80-year-old Ecuadorian lady

·      Teaching Spanish to the cutest 5-year-old

·      Coordinating language exchanges and making friends from Spain, México, and Bolivia

·      Taking singing lessons—and actually improving!

·      Traveling/seeing new places

·      Camping and hiking

·      Having random adventures with friends

·      Serving in callings that I love

·      Going to the temple

·      Going to institute and coming out with renewed faith and determination every week

·      Running

·      Learning new recipes

·      Becoming a better planner

·      Reading

·      Vegging in front of Kimmy Schmidt, Gilmore Girls, and Parenthood

·      Nerdy conversations about linguistics

Ask any of my single friends what they’re up to and they’ll tell you they’re buying houses, getting their own apartment, moving to new cities, getting their first big break in their career, getting raises, furthering their education, serving the people around them, being awesome aunts and uncles, taking cruises, learning new skills, and having tons of fun.

Sure we get frustrated some days when we see wedding announcements from girls we used to babysit or find out that a friend is having not their first or second but their fourth kid.  

But we are blessed. Our lives are full and meaningful. So instead of focusing on what we don’t have, focus on what we do.

That doesn’t mean you can’t ask about dating. I don’t mind at all if people ask whether I’m dating someone. That’s a big part of my life right now. If I say yes, awesome! If not, let’s just move on to a new subject. No need to dwell on it. It just means there’s currently no one of the male persuasion whom I want to spend an inordinate amount of time with, not that I’m dying.

In times past, the weight of being single has been crushing. I’ve felt forgotten, left behind, or even toyed with by God when a promising relationship failed. But it’s never been impossible to bear. And I know now that I’ve never been forgotten. No one is ever forgotten by Heavenly Father.  

No one is immune to challenges. We tend to foolishly wish for different trials, thinking we shouldn’t have to go through such hard times. But I’m grateful for mine, and I don’t wish this time away.

Along the way, God gives us help and hope. For me, I have been blessed with several strong, inspiring women in my life. They are doing wonderful things, following their careers and passions, loving life, and serving others. They’ve been incredible examples of fulfilling one’s potential, and God has given us each other to lean on.

He loves each of us perfectly and will help us through whatever we are going through. I know that with certainty now, and I’m not sure I would without this challenge.

Conference Voice

Recently I had a conversation with a friend about the Conference Voice. You know, that voice that all of the Conference speakers (Jeffrey R. Holland excluded) use when they give their talks. It has a certain unnatural lilt to it and an extra dose of sweetness. Kind of hard to describe, but definitely distinct.

For my friend, Conference Voice makes it hard for her to want to listen, especially to Women’s Conference. Somehow the voice seems more pronounced in the women’s talks. And it’s so distinct from normal speech patterns that it almost feels fake.

I absolutely sympathize with my friend. I’m pretty used to Conference Voice by now. I’ve heard it for 27 years. But it doesn’t make it sound any more natural to me, and it certainly doesn’t help me feel a stronger connection to the women who are speaking.

These women are older than me by at least 20 years. They’ve never been through what I’ve been through and they certainly don’t know, at least first hand, what it’s like to be a YSA in these times. And hearing them talk to me in a stilted, sugary voice certainly does nothing to help me feel like they get me.

BUT

I think my friend took exactly the right approach. She said this time she tried to pay more attention to the words than the voice. And she got something out of the message.

That’s what we should be listening to: the message, not the voice.

It’s hard, I know. The Conference Voice is distracting and, frankly, sometimes off-putting. But it is possible to get caught up in the message and the Spirit and forget about Conference Voice.

As a side note, the culprit behind Conference Voice is the teleprompter. Every speaker prepares their talk far in advance of Conference and reads it from the teleprompters when it’s their turn to speak.

And reading off a teleprompter is hard.  I tried researching how teleprompters affect speeches, and all I found was article after article talking about how hard it is and giving tips. Most speakers—Conference or otherwise—have a difficult time speaking naturally while reading from a teleprompter, even after practicing several times. Add to that the fact that you’re standing in front of 21,000 (!) people and a handful of cameras broadcasting your face around the world…yeah, I’d be speaking unnaturally too.

But speaking in teleprompter-induced Conference Voice doesn’t mean that the speakers don’t know what they’re talking about or that they can’t relate to me. It just means that I have to try harder to listen to what they are saying and pay attention to how I feel. Besides, even if they don’t completely understand my situation, God does, and He inspires His servants to say what we need to hear.

Times change, but the gospel doesn’t. The principles are the same. We just need to learn how to apply them to our circumstances. And God calls older women and men to teach us these principles because they’ve had lots of time to practice living them.

Maybe the future will see a few younger women and men reading their carefully prepared talks from the teleprompter. But for that to happen, the younger generation—us—has to start listening now to what the older generation is teaching. Because they are teaching us what God wants us to know, and they are giving it their all.

I’m hopeful that one day Conference speakers will master the teleprompter like Elder Holland seems to have done, and we’ll hear most of the talks given in a more natural, relatable way.  But if not, that’s okay. Because that’s not what’s important; it’s the words.

This year, I’m going to listen to the words, not the Conference Voice. And when I do notice the Voice, I’m going to find it endearing. I’m going to let it remind me of how many hours, prayers, and possibly tears the speaker put into preparing that talk that they are reading, hoping that it will touch at least one person and that it will deliver the message God wants delivered.

I know that the men and women who will speak at Conference are called of God. They are not perfect. And neither am I. And that’s why they need to learn from the preparation process and I need to learn from what they’ve learned.

I know that as we listen to the Spirit—the only voice we really must listen to—we will be blessed to know the things we need to know. We’ll find the answers we’ve been seeking. We’ll feel the peace we’ve been praying for. That’s the point of Conference. To help us find answers and redirect our lives. And God will help us do that if we will look past imperfections and listen to the words and the Spirit.

A Small Rant

I tried to think of a way to make this post insightful and thoughtful. But it's really just a rant, so I'll just call it what it is.

I'm so tired of the immaturity of some guys. I say some guys because I do know some pretty great ones, including my brother and some of my friends. I try not to lump all guys together and say all guys suck (even though it sometimes feels like they do). But I can't believe how childish some guys are . . . especially when it comes to video games.

A friend of mine told me that over the past couple months two guys . . . TWO . . . have opted to play video games all day instead of hanging out with her. Now, to put this in context, let me tell you that this girl is gorgeous, cultured, fun, and witty as anything. She has no problem getting a date and she's one of the most interesting people I know. And these guys had already expressed interest in her and had taken her out.

And then they got a new video game or something and were like, "Naw, I'm just gonna be a hermit all weekend and live in virtual reality. I mean, you're cute and everything but . . . "

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

These guys would rather sit in front of a screen for hours by themselves, than have actual human interaction with an incredible person?? One that, oh, I don't know, they might actually want to have a real relationship with?

And they're not the only ones. I know of and about so many guys who are opting to play video games rather than go on a date, hang out with friends, or (and this breaks my heart) play with their kids.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all about having down-time and tuning out once in a while. And video games aren't inherently evil. But this isn't once in a while for most (emphasis on most) gaming guys. It's habitual, and it's ruining relationships. And if they're playing violent games (which it seems like they usually are), that's even worse.

Not only do large amounts of game time take away from socializing time, guys who game regularly have a harder time interacting with others, especially girls. I know of a guy who openly admitted to not being able to talk to girls because all he knows is video games.

It makes me sad. I see so many amazing women who are looking for a real, committed relationship. They're smart, fun, driven, beautiful women. But the prospects sure look bleak when I hear about guys who are sacrificing their futures for virtual reality.

To Mourn With Those That Mourn

One of the most moving parts (to me) of any movie is the end of the What Dreams May Come.

The protagonist, Chris, is dead and has been on a journey through Hell to find his wife Annie, who committed suicide. After an arduous search, Chris finds Annie in a dilapidated version of their old home. Her mind is broken and she is unable to recall their life together. Chris frantically but unsuccessfully attempts to bring back some of Annie's memories. His mentor tells Chris that he has to leave or he will be trapped in Hell. Finally, Chris "gives up," but instead of returning to Heaven, he ignores his mentor's warnings and decides to join Annie in Hell.

Suddenly we see a flashback to a time after the death of Chris and Annie's two children. Annie is in an institution, unable to cope with the loss of her children. Chris has been desperately trying to help Annie move on and to pull her to where he is emotionally. Finally, when Chris stops pulling and joins Annie in her sorrow, she is able to heal.

It is the act of joining Annie that allows Chris to bring her back each time. That simple act of choosing to be one in heart with her, instead of trying to pull her somewhere she is not, saves her. 

It's been eight years since I watched that movie, and it has stuck with me. I thought it was beautiful and something about it resonated with me, though it wasn't until recently that I really understood it.

A few months ago I struggled with a difficult decision that left me confused and at times distraught. I felt isolated. I was the only one who could make this decision, and as sympathetic as people were, there was really nothing they could do to make it easier. 

I was talking with my sister one day about my decision and crying from the stress of it all. Trying to help, she listed off several reasons why I shouldn't worry and why everything would be ok. Other people had been doing the same thing over the past few weeks, and for some reason I didn't like it. Instead of comforting me, it just made me more upset, though I couldn't explain why. But finally, in that moment, it made sense.

My sister was just doing what most of us do when someone is upset--we give the person reasons not to feel bad so she'll hopefully cheer up. It's instinctive. But I realized that day that that was exactly the opposite of what I wanted and needed.

I already felt alone in making my decision. Having people tell me not to feel the way I was feeling only made me feel more isolated. It widened the gap between how they felt and how I felt because I was essentially being told to change my feelings instead of having them acknowledged and validated. 

I knew that everything was going to be alright. I was stressed and confused by my situation, but somewhere inside I knew that I would eventually be able to make a decision and that it would be ok. I just needed someone to see how hard it was for me and to join me in my struggle so that it didn't feel so burdensome--or at least so solitary--for a little while. 

As I slowly realized why I was feeling frustrated with everyone's well-meaning words of comfort, I explained my thoughts to my sister. She listened, and then she did the best thing she could have done. She just hugged me. She didn't tell me it was going to be ok. She didn't tell me to not worry. She just held me and let me be sad.

A while later I was sitting in church. The topic of discussion was mourning with those that mourn. It's a common enough phrase, and I thought I knew what that meant. But as I reflected on my recent experiences, I realized that I hadn't really understood.

To mourn with those that mourn isn't just to express sympathy for another person's situation. It means joining them. It means sometimes not saying that things will be ok or that someone should stop worrying. It means mourning also--being sad simply because another is sad.

The friend who introduced me to What Dreams May Come lost his father a few years ago. When he told me about that experience, I desperately wanted to express the acute sadness I felt at hearing that he had lost someone so dear to him. But the words wouldn't come. No phrase seemed adequate. So I finally asked him: What should a person say to someone who has lost a loved one?

"Nothing," he said. "There's nothing you can say. But the best thing is probably just to say, 'I'm sorry.'"

Just, "I'm sorry." Not, "It will be ok" or "You will get through this." Just a sincere expression of sadness because the other person is sad.

Christ did this perfectly when Mary told Him of Lazarus's death.

John 11

³² Then when Mary was come where Jesus was, and saw him, she fell down at his feet, saying unto him, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.

³³ When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled,

³⁴ And said, Where have ye laid him? They said unto him, Lord, come and see.

³⁵ Jesus wept.

³⁶ Then said the Jews, Behold how he loved him!

Yes, Jesus loved Lazarus. But He also loved Mary and Martha. When He saw how troubled they and their friends were, His spirit groaned and He was troubled too. He was sad because they were sad. Even though He had already told Martha that Lazarus would rise again, He mourned because they mourned.

When we genuinely mourn with those who mourn, we emulate the Savior. By joining them, we join Him in service.

I suppose I first learned something about this principle from a movie. But the moment I really understood it was when my sister put her arms around me and I felt my fears, worries, and sadness melting away. In her emulation of the Savior, she taught me an important lesson. Sometimes, instead of trying to pull someone away from their concerns and fears, we should just join them.

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