On Being Single at 27

I always wanted to be married around age 24. I’m not sure why. It just seemed like a good age to me—not too young and not too old.

My parents were married at 27, so there’s never been any expectation or pressure to get married young, but somehow 27 seemed old to me. (Probably because parents always seem old when you’re a kid.)

I had this small fear of never being able to travel, finish school, be independent, etc. if I got married too young. So 24 seemed like a good compromise.

Well, obviously, that didn’t happen. Twenty-four came and went and, as Charlotte Lucas so aptly puts it, “I’m twenty-seven years old. I’ve no money and no prospects.”

Over the years, I’ve had my share of pity parties. Sometimes they are small gatherings. Other times they’re full-on block parties. But most days I am genuinely happy, and I don’t think much about my marital status.

Until, as inevitably happens every few months, someone—usually a well-meaning person who has been married for years and years—asks why I’m not married.

My fellow single friends have given me some excellent suggestions for a reply. One of my favorites was to take a deep breath like I’m going to say something incredibly insightful and revealing…and then turn around and walk away.

What I really want to say, though, is this:

First, there is an answer to that question: It’s not time yet. Why it’s not time is for God to know and me to find out as He wills it.   

Second, why does this question even need to be asked? I know it’s well meaning and is supposed to be a roundabout compliment, but asking it cheapens me as a person by implying that I’m not complete without a husband. And it diminishes this wonderful period of my life where I’m able to discover myself and further my education and work hard and play hard and gain faith and learn to trust—in other words, a very full, productive time.

Instead of speculating why I’m not married and saying flippant things like, “Isn’t that hard?” why not focus on what makes my life full and happy right now, just the way it is? Because I’ll gladly tell you what makes me happy:

·      Working in a job that I enjoy, using the skills I developed over 5 long years of school

·      Getting ready for graduate school in the fall

·      Teaching English to the cutest 80-year-old Ecuadorian lady

·      Teaching Spanish to the cutest 5-year-old

·      Coordinating language exchanges and making friends from Spain, México, and Bolivia

·      Taking singing lessons—and actually improving!

·      Traveling/seeing new places

·      Camping and hiking

·      Having random adventures with friends

·      Serving in callings that I love

·      Going to the temple

·      Going to institute and coming out with renewed faith and determination every week

·      Running

·      Learning new recipes

·      Becoming a better planner

·      Reading

·      Vegging in front of Kimmy Schmidt, Gilmore Girls, and Parenthood

·      Nerdy conversations about linguistics

Ask any of my single friends what they’re up to and they’ll tell you they’re buying houses, getting their own apartment, moving to new cities, getting their first big break in their career, getting raises, furthering their education, serving the people around them, being awesome aunts and uncles, taking cruises, learning new skills, and having tons of fun.

Sure we get frustrated some days when we see wedding announcements from girls we used to babysit or find out that a friend is having not their first or second but their fourth kid.  

But we are blessed. Our lives are full and meaningful. So instead of focusing on what we don’t have, focus on what we do.

That doesn’t mean you can’t ask about dating. I don’t mind at all if people ask whether I’m dating someone. That’s a big part of my life right now. If I say yes, awesome! If not, let’s just move on to a new subject. No need to dwell on it. It just means there’s currently no one of the male persuasion whom I want to spend an inordinate amount of time with, not that I’m dying.

In times past, the weight of being single has been crushing. I’ve felt forgotten, left behind, or even toyed with by God when a promising relationship failed. But it’s never been impossible to bear. And I know now that I’ve never been forgotten. No one is ever forgotten by Heavenly Father.  

No one is immune to challenges. We tend to foolishly wish for different trials, thinking we shouldn’t have to go through such hard times. But I’m grateful for mine, and I don’t wish this time away.

Along the way, God gives us help and hope. For me, I have been blessed with several strong, inspiring women in my life. They are doing wonderful things, following their careers and passions, loving life, and serving others. They’ve been incredible examples of fulfilling one’s potential, and God has given us each other to lean on.

He loves each of us perfectly and will help us through whatever we are going through. I know that with certainty now, and I’m not sure I would without this challenge.

Conference Voice

Recently I had a conversation with a friend about the Conference Voice. You know, that voice that all of the Conference speakers (Jeffrey R. Holland excluded) use when they give their talks. It has a certain unnatural lilt to it and an extra dose of sweetness. Kind of hard to describe, but definitely distinct.

For my friend, Conference Voice makes it hard for her to want to listen, especially to Women’s Conference. Somehow the voice seems more pronounced in the women’s talks. And it’s so distinct from normal speech patterns that it almost feels fake.

I absolutely sympathize with my friend. I’m pretty used to Conference Voice by now. I’ve heard it for 27 years. But it doesn’t make it sound any more natural to me, and it certainly doesn’t help me feel a stronger connection to the women who are speaking.

These women are older than me by at least 20 years. They’ve never been through what I’ve been through and they certainly don’t know, at least first hand, what it’s like to be a YSA in these times. And hearing them talk to me in a stilted, sugary voice certainly does nothing to help me feel like they get me.

BUT

I think my friend took exactly the right approach. She said this time she tried to pay more attention to the words than the voice. And she got something out of the message.

That’s what we should be listening to: the message, not the voice.

It’s hard, I know. The Conference Voice is distracting and, frankly, sometimes off-putting. But it is possible to get caught up in the message and the Spirit and forget about Conference Voice.

As a side note, the culprit behind Conference Voice is the teleprompter. Every speaker prepares their talk far in advance of Conference and reads it from the teleprompters when it’s their turn to speak.

And reading off a teleprompter is hard.  I tried researching how teleprompters affect speeches, and all I found was article after article talking about how hard it is and giving tips. Most speakers—Conference or otherwise—have a difficult time speaking naturally while reading from a teleprompter, even after practicing several times. Add to that the fact that you’re standing in front of 21,000 (!) people and a handful of cameras broadcasting your face around the world…yeah, I’d be speaking unnaturally too.

But speaking in teleprompter-induced Conference Voice doesn’t mean that the speakers don’t know what they’re talking about or that they can’t relate to me. It just means that I have to try harder to listen to what they are saying and pay attention to how I feel. Besides, even if they don’t completely understand my situation, God does, and He inspires His servants to say what we need to hear.

Times change, but the gospel doesn’t. The principles are the same. We just need to learn how to apply them to our circumstances. And God calls older women and men to teach us these principles because they’ve had lots of time to practice living them.

Maybe the future will see a few younger women and men reading their carefully prepared talks from the teleprompter. But for that to happen, the younger generation—us—has to start listening now to what the older generation is teaching. Because they are teaching us what God wants us to know, and they are giving it their all.

I’m hopeful that one day Conference speakers will master the teleprompter like Elder Holland seems to have done, and we’ll hear most of the talks given in a more natural, relatable way.  But if not, that’s okay. Because that’s not what’s important; it’s the words.

This year, I’m going to listen to the words, not the Conference Voice. And when I do notice the Voice, I’m going to find it endearing. I’m going to let it remind me of how many hours, prayers, and possibly tears the speaker put into preparing that talk that they are reading, hoping that it will touch at least one person and that it will deliver the message God wants delivered.

I know that the men and women who will speak at Conference are called of God. They are not perfect. And neither am I. And that’s why they need to learn from the preparation process and I need to learn from what they’ve learned.

I know that as we listen to the Spirit—the only voice we really must listen to—we will be blessed to know the things we need to know. We’ll find the answers we’ve been seeking. We’ll feel the peace we’ve been praying for. That’s the point of Conference. To help us find answers and redirect our lives. And God will help us do that if we will look past imperfections and listen to the words and the Spirit.